Apologies: I'm back!

And You're Not Amused

So yeah, disappeared off the map this weekend. Kinda followed up on that whole 'no laptop is a problem' thing. Quick-Fire reviews for LAST WEEK will be up in the new format tomorrow, followed by the FTP Text Review for... Whatever and rounding off with a Top Ten that's taken a lot out of me. Oh and I have a new microphone for the New Mutants video so the pace should up on that. All relevance to Merc with a Month is null and void however, as I'm going to just intersperse these reviews with others of more interest to myself and my tiny tiny audience.

Peace out and keep ya eye on this space!

Video Review Preview: Script Fragments

Okay, the first post I ever made on this blog was promising three video reviews for the period of June/July.

We're now in July.

I have largely, as one would say, fucked up.

Lessons have been learnt.

The main lesson? DON'T PROCRASTINATE! The other? Learn how to script more efficiently of course.

So as a sort of apology for something that was intended to start BEFORE the release of Deadpool: Merc With A Mouth #01 I'm allowing you all a peek at the introduction, mainly because it's outdated, but also because it gives you an idea how bloated this first review is.

HIT THE JUMP AND UNDERSTAND MY ANGUISH!

In the next few days the popular Liefeld creation Deadpool is
getting another ongoing series, giving him a total of three series
running at the same time. I'd rib on this for being a stupid idea
but when Wolverine has something approaching 8 series featuring
him and there being something like 5 Avenger books at present
so why should I care about deadpool having as few as THREE series?
So with his new series in mind this is the MERC WITH A MONTH!
A horrible pun celebrating a below-average character that has only
really stepped into his own once. Just once. With Cable & Deadpool.

First up I'm reviewing a comic so awful, so BRAIN-NUMBINGLY SHITTY
that whatever I say about it today barely surmises just how much I
want this comic to be burned en masse. I would actually get a
copy myself and destroy it but Wizard magazine informs me that
copies of the issue are currently worth FORTY FIVE DOLLARS.

FORTY. FIVE. DOLLARS.

That's like thirty quid or something over here in Blighty. You
could buy a shitload of DECENT comics that are coming out in
the present day! If anyone has actually shilled out this much
for the comic then they should bore into their head with a
heavy duty mining drill. This becomes all the more humourous
when you consider the comic is now being reprinted in Deadpool's
new series! YOU'VE WASTED FORTY FIVE DOLLARS ON A COMIC INCLUDED
IN A $3.99 RELEASE!

The idea here is that I write the main gist of what I want to say and in the recording I'll adjust it as I see fit. All the same, this introduction may seem redundant now that Deadpool's new series has already started, so the final product may differe greatly. Also I chopped off the first paragraph and the last paragraph of the intro to keep some sense of mystery to the start of the video.



BONUS: A COMPLETELY RANDOM EXCERPT!

Cannonball states "Hope you don't mind if AH get into it for my
OWN sake then..." which in the context of my delusions just makes
it sound like he wants to pilot the Rape-Bot and join in the
action, something that unsettles me deeply.

Looking at Cannonball's get-up I really wish I could come up with
a "the goggles, they do nothing" joke, but sadly nothing comes to
mind. I guess I'm just not funny enough.

Yeah I'll ATTEMPT to make stuff like this funnier or at least flow better in the final product.

There you go, hope you... read it. Or at least watch the final product.




Quick-Fire Reviews out tomorrow or tonight, Top Ten #3 and the Top Five bonus will be out before the weekend is out unless I get more retarded. Which knowing me.... Well...

Interlude: Things I'm Looking Forward To/Dreading This Week

AH! Finally rested from a complete phone-in of updates on my part on sunday, I return with a possible new feature (and an attempt to increase hits on this relatively visitless day) wherein I talk things I actually give a shit about comics wise this week. Oh and just to make it a little more negative, things that are shit this week. For a self proclaimed miserable bastard I'm being far too optimistic nowadays.

HELP ME FEEL POPULAR BY READING THE ARTICLE!

THINGS I CARE ABOUT THIS WEEK:
- More than anything this week I'm overly enthusiastic about Marvel's decade variant covers. Honestly I started out thinking they'd all be terrible but with each that appears my heart melts and I want to hold them and never let go. Except the Ms. Marvel one. That ruined the chain.

- Deadpool: Merc With A Mouth #1. Why? Simply enough because it's directly related to those promised video reviews (I'm actually almost done scripting the first. I'm new at this shut up). Oh and because the reprint of New Mutants #098 renders the original releases collector's value MOOT! AHAHAHAHAHA OH HOW SWEET IT MUST TASTE TO KNOW THAT SOME POOR STUPID FUCK MAY HAVE ACTUALLY PAID THE FULL 45 DOLLARS FOR THE COMIC WHEN IT'S GETTING REPRINTED!

- Cable getting Paul Gulacy as the new artist. Ariel Olivetti isn't a BAD artist, just a bad artist with his run on Cable. Gulacy has flaws, at least from the one work of his I've read (Penance: Relentless) but I can excuse that because we're talking a living legend here (at least if I were to believe the man's wikipedia page. Which I do) so me dishing out any criticism of his art would be hasty at best. That and anyone who overuses bracket (like me) doesn't deserve an opinion on people above his station. Still means I can call Jeph Loeb a cunt though.

- Uncanny X-Men. Last issue reminded me why I love the main comic for the X-People so I'm understandably stoked for.... Oh, a crossover... NO I WON'T CHANGE MY MIND!

- Batman & Robin #2. As far as I'm concerned it'll be the missing half to issue 1, which felt awesome yet incomplete. Oh and I'm hoping Pyg will die horribly to make me feel good.

- Anything Green Lantern related. I'm a fan of the Corps but both are solid things for me to see anything to do with them as brilliant.

THINGS I DESPISE THIS WEEK:
- No further information on the highlight of my year; Nomad: Girl Without A World. I need more stuff on that like air.

- Captain America Reborn #1. I just don't care. I like both Caps but when I prefer both USAgent and Rikki Barnes to them it's hard to care about this massive moment in Marvel history.

- Having NO idea when The Great Unknown #3 (of 5) will appear, or even if it has already. My favourite Image mini and it seems to just not exist. Ugh.

- These special "after Watchmen what's next?" editions of comics I actually PREFER to watchmen. It degrades their own importance by essentially cashing in on how people love to buy Watchmen and anything with the words Watchmen on it. Which means that comic fans presumably have a lot of gay porn. Or porn aimed at voyeurs. It doesn't matter which.

- Being unaware of updates on the Scott Pilgrim movie. I don't know if any information is continuing to come out now that it's in production but I really wish I could find something more on it than what I know already (very little).



So yeah. Now that I've stroked my own ego why don't you small quantity of readers tell me what YOU are looking forward to or despise this week. Or don't make any comments. Like you usually do. Torment me by not acknowledging my existence.

God I hope that sounds satirical and not like I'm begging for attention.